I’m a Doormat to OCD

That’s the truth. I let OCD walk all over me. I’m kind of tired of hearing me whine about it myself.

I have just finished walking. After I drive, I go on walks. I don’t want to go on them, but it’s the compulsion to retrace part of the route I just drove because OCD is telling me I might have hit someone with my car and not realized it. So when I have exhausted the  driving in circles bit of the ritual, I decide to walk it. That’s a lot of time, but I tell myself to turn it into something good. Exercise! Right? :-/

Today I walked further than I have ever walked before. Along the main street, I walked until OCD was satisfied, but then I wondered if I had dropped something. No idea what that could have been. I know I did not drop anything. But OCD thinks it might have been my birth certificate or something ridiculous. I let OCD do it again, chisel away at my life again, hour by hour each day. And as I was walking home, I reflected on the sheer size that OCD has scooped out of my daily life. It’s huge. OCD is centerstage. And then I reflected on what I actually do about it. Nothing.

I have great OCD workbooks, unread and scattered about my room. I have a voicemail from the psychiatrist’s office, the second one they’ve left for my follow-up appointment to get started on my treatment plan. I guess it’s just time. I have to face the music. I have to give things up. I might have to give up straight A’s. I will have to give up money. I can’t keep worshiping at the altar of school and work. They don’t deserve my limitless devotion. Instead, I think I do. I think I deserve my time. I think my family deserves to have me be myself again. I think money spent on meds and therapy will be a great investment. I will do anything my boss or my professors demand, and my OCD, but I won’t do anything for me? Hmm…


2 thoughts on “I’m a Doormat to OCD

  1. Yes, please do this for yourself. I have heard from so many people who have taken the plunge into proper treatment for OCD and I have NEVER heard anyone regret it. The only regret people have is that they didn’t do it sooner. OCD has taken enough of your life from you. Good luck as you move forward. I am rooting for you!

  2. OCD is miserable, and I know what you mean when you feel like it has taken over. Don’t hold back, seek help. I finally did, but didn’t end up at the right kind of place (the doctor’s had strange theories and were older, and wouldn’t openly talk to me about things), since then I haven’t been back, and I regret it everyday, but I am in avoidance. Don’t be like me, don’t avoid, get help, take care of yourself, be the leader of your life. Wishing you the best ♥

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