I have to accept something.
I have been angry lately. Angry ALL the time. I feel how unhealthy it is. I am just mad. At everything.
Luckily, I’ve been so mad that my OCD has been getting some serious sass from me, and I’ve faced my obsessions and compulsions with a strength that I have never had before. But I really doubt being angry is the answer, although being so fed up that I will do whatever it takes to change my reaction to my OCD is a start.
I started to ponder this morning about why it is that I feel so on edge? Why do things that usually bring me joy suddenly feel taxing? Relationships? People? Activities? Pursuit of my goals? Nothing about those things has changed; they still make me happy, I want them, and they have not become more demanding or difficult themselves. It has just been keeping up with the usual balancing act that makes me angry. I’m dropping the ball left and right, and this morning, wanted to just chuck quite a few of those proverbial balls. I felt so stretched thin that the usually rejuvenating act of going to church was abandoned. I love church! It refuels me! Spending time with God is part of who I am, and always brings out the best in me. But I just can’t do one more thing right now…
I realized, I’m not meeting my basic needs. It’s time to accept that. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. How am I supposed to meet those higher order needs when the bottom of the pyramid is cracking? Sleep, nutrition, and thanks to OCD, threats to my sense of safety and security, have been eroded away this semester, and my personal hierarchy is tipping and swaying precariously.
I don’t have a solution; I’m in one of those seasons right now that we all go through every so often, where we finish one task just to be moved onto the next until a month later we feel crazy and we haven’t been the healthy dose of selfish we all need. It just feels good to identify and accept it. I was beginning to feel like I might just be a crappy human being who fails at basic life; that I should abandon all and crawl under a rock or just be a hermit somewhere far away. It’s nice to know I just need to get back to basics in order to get back to my old self. OCD will be quite the crack in my foundation to tackle and one that will require attention over and over and over again, but I need to do what I need to do. I need to tell people “time out” and take care of myself some of the time, because I can’t be what everyone wants me to be all of the time. And If I don’t take care of myself with the occasional time out, then I will soon be meeting those higher order needs and commitments that are very important none of the time.
I realize that maybe I am weak? That other people can do all these basic life things and MORE and not have a crazy day where they drop all they juggle and hide away? Why is it that my friend who also works, is a competitive student, has tons of deadlines, & volunteers, but on top of that has a kid and husband, isn’t getting mad at the world? I don’t know. Oh well. Comparisons are useless. I am in this body. I have this brain. I have my past experiences that shaped me. I have my present situation. All we can do is be the best version of ourselves, right? I’m not gonna morph into my super-human friend anytime soon. Part of this life journey is accepting my own limitations and making it work.
So I hope you are taking your day of rest today. Get sleep. Eat something that you cooked for yourself. Take a bubble bath. Take time getting ready. Paint your nails. Let your phone go to voice mail; your friends will have to understand. And hopefully, you and I won’t wait until we drop everything we have to juggle before we do some of those things.