What Have I Been Doing?

I had this idea.

The fall began and I decided I didn’t really need to pay attention to my OCD, since my busy schedule would consume me. I felt like it was working. I have been sufficiently distracted, in a strange and unhealthy sort of way. I don’t mind taking extra time to redrive routes and recheck doors. I can schedule that in. I don’t have time for CBT or to meditate. I just need to keep going, check things off of my to-do list and let OCD do it’s thing in the background; I will deal with it later, when I’m not worried about deadlines.  I have literally stopped everything proactive about fighting my OCD, from workbooks and blogs and seeing mental health professionals , to even simple self-care.

I just gave in. The obsessions and compulsions are now running me full-time; I have no mental energy left to fight them. But I didn’t care until today, and I think I just didn’t notice. I was getting comfortable with OCD in the driver’s seat, as long as I was getting my to-do list done.

Today, I ended up reaching the end of my rope. I did that crying on the floor of my room uncontrollably thing, all the while wondering why I was having this outburst. How strange! I really didn’t understand why. Why is my brain like this? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel no motivation to be better? Why am I crying? Why am I irritable? Why does every noise, sight, sound, thought and person make me want to go run into an isolation chamber for an undisclosed period of time? Why don’t I care about anything or anyone? I have felt this way before. It comes and goes in cycles. I don’t know what triggers it and I feel very much that my emotions are out of my own control during those times.

Something hit me as I wondered why. I realized that for the past few months, I have been performing all compulsions without resistance, to the full extent.  I met every demand my OCD made. I would do anything to get my OCD to shut-up. I now realize that in doing that, the cost has slowly but surely gotten bigger each time I have given in. I have just gotten back from spending a full 4 hours straight on several compulsions and obsessions. Wow.

I reopened one of my OCD self-help books and am thinking of calling to bump up that appointment with my psychiatrist. What the hell am I doing? I don’t think I can put things off anymore.

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2 thoughts on “What Have I Been Doing?

  1. Oh honey! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through hell right now. Things are going to get better– I believe that– once you get back to fighting against OCD. Four hours of obsessions and compulsions makes me want to start crying. Thinking of and praying for you. Keep us posted.

  2. I am literally going through this exact thing right now. I have been ignoring my OCD in favor of my busy schedule that I planned for this semester. Now I’ve driven myself into a pit that I’m now trying to dig out of. It’s hard. I’ve been having attacks like yours, asking myself literally all those questions. I need a break to rewire my brain back. -A Fellow Obsessor

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