I had this idea.
The fall began and I decided I didn’t really need to pay attention to my OCD, since my busy schedule would consume me. I felt like it was working. I have been sufficiently distracted, in a strange and unhealthy sort of way. I don’t mind taking extra time to redrive routes and recheck doors. I can schedule that in. I don’t have time for CBT or to meditate. I just need to keep going, check things off of my to-do list and let OCD do it’s thing in the background; I will deal with it later, when I’m not worried about deadlines. I have literally stopped everything proactive about fighting my OCD, from workbooks and blogs and seeing mental health professionals , to even simple self-care.
I just gave in. The obsessions and compulsions are now running me full-time; I have no mental energy left to fight them. But I didn’t care until today, and I think I just didn’t notice. I was getting comfortable with OCD in the driver’s seat, as long as I was getting my to-do list done.
Today, I ended up reaching the end of my rope. I did that crying on the floor of my room uncontrollably thing, all the while wondering why I was having this outburst. How strange! I really didn’t understand why. Why is my brain like this? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel no motivation to be better? Why am I crying? Why am I irritable? Why does every noise, sight, sound, thought and person make me want to go run into an isolation chamber for an undisclosed period of time? Why don’t I care about anything or anyone? I have felt this way before. It comes and goes in cycles. I don’t know what triggers it and I feel very much that my emotions are out of my own control during those times.
Something hit me as I wondered why. I realized that for the past few months, I have been performing all compulsions without resistance, to the full extent. I met every demand my OCD made. I would do anything to get my OCD to shut-up. I now realize that in doing that, the cost has slowly but surely gotten bigger each time I have given in. I have just gotten back from spending a full 4 hours straight on several compulsions and obsessions. Wow.
I reopened one of my OCD self-help books and am thinking of calling to bump up that appointment with my psychiatrist. What the hell am I doing? I don’t think I can put things off anymore.